I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
