I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
