a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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