he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
