dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
