Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
