remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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