I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just high enough for therapy.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
