dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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