Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
