Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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