end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
