I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
