His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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