I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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