i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
