I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
