I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
