Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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