Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
