please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
