He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
