Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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