Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
