Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
