Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
