yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize