if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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