Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
