he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
50% drunk capacity currently
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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