Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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