If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
