I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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