tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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