apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
