his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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