If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize