i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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