She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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