I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
