Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize