i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
