I just saw a hot homeless man
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
