I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
