I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
