For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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