My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
