We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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