it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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