Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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