there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
