hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
