she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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