My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
