does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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