she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
