she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
