The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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