just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
