if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
