i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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