omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
