A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
