I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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